I've walked on this road for some time now... Dodging rushed passersby, cracks in the pavement and kicking random rocks rolling down the other way as I muster this long uphill climb.

Soaking wet I can taste the rain drops as I push myself through unknown streets, guided by little faith I have left in my bones. The blend of salty tears and rain are blinding, but i need both hands to hold on to a few pieces of life I dared to take along.

I inhale deeply... One foot in front of the other, drop here, drop there.  It is going to let out. I've come to realize without a doubt that this will require more courage and endurance than I’ve ever had to find in this heart of mine. I breathe deeply again and close my eyes. Every other mile or so I shut the world out just to see yours, hear your voice and reach out to feel your warm skin. I remember hearing your heartbeat in the middle of a night's slumber… Corners of your lips curving slightly in a smile, those black lashes painting soft shadows, beautifully edging half-moon curves of your eyes. Sudden joy shakes the remaining rain drops off my shoulders and a pleasant warmth embraces my soaked frame. Time stands still for an instant as I realize just how much I have always loved you.

Then a silent cry pierces through my chest, tears like hot rivers pour out and whisper softly - my dear, he is gone. So much to give, so much to touch, embrace and grow into that will never be.

How do you mend a broken heart, squeezed, tested and cracked open by hopelessness from the very start? How do you identify the reasons and purpose in so much magic awakening the senses just to snatch away the very breath meant to propel you to the highest form of living? How do you rise up, find the strength in your toes, your knees, elbows and shoulders as you crawl your way through ... How do you lift your eyes to face the sun and trust it will keep you warm again?

My knuckles are scratched and bleeding from knocking on your door.  Every now and then you peek through the window from beyond the dark curtains just to acknowledge my presence - briefly enough to say, you are not really there for me anymore.  You will not hold my hand, wipe my tears and embrace me in comfort. You’ll respect me just enough not to be entirely cruel, but never…You will never show that there truly was any trace of affection, any lick of desire or mutual longing between us.

At some point, I'll need to tend to my wounded hands and allow reason to take over. I'll turn the page and embrace the season of gold, shed the layers of all not meant for me. All that had tarnished the best halls of my soul will fall off. I'll watch it fly away with golden leaves and finally descend to slowly disintegrate into the soil.

Rain… It always gets to me.  it creates puddles... Everywhere I look I see reflections of the truth I wish to run and hide from.  It brings images of you and all I wished for, all that still lingers in my heart. But there is a sense of release and deep cleansing in the end, clarity on the horizon that opens the heart just the same to vastness of possibilities, a renewed hope that best is yet to come.

In this hour of surrender, my lids are still hiding eyes welled with tears. My shaking hands are covering a heart swelled with emotion and wonder… Why? Why did Heavens let me take such a big bite out of apple never meant for me? Why did I find the very fruit I yearned to feed my soul on in a garden completely forbidden and unforgiving?

For a moment there, you appeared to be just perfect and as much as it may seem foolish... the heart hasn't let go as it longs to keep you in for just a little while longer.