Fear Not
more than enough…
“Love is what we were born with. Fear is what we learned here.”
The 1990s Balkan war was the bloodiest conflict and period in Europe since WWII. Unfortunately, it wasn’t the only such conflict to occur in the world at the time or since. Nevertheless, it was the one during which my adulthood began to form in the midst of crashing grenades, daily soundtrack of surrounding fire and unforgiving uncertainty.
Conflicts and wars devastate societies and are needless man-made tragedies. Great volumes can be and have been written on this alone, but that is not my focus here. I am not attempting to simplify paths that lead to grievances, build and deepen fault lines and too often all out wars. However, there is a factor that I am specifically interested in and you may be too. I have found that it lingers at the heart of every clash of smaller and larger proportions. In addition to a handful of classic causes of conflict and perhaps most profoundly, lies the human tendency to blame and fear “different” as well as the ease at which it can be targeted and manipulated for ulterior ends by those in positions of power.
Most societies and countries in the world have a degree of diversity based on religion, ethnicity, race or all three. These are the most obvious categories. I am a firm believer however that as human beings regularly and naturally guided by the ego, we manage to identify differences and potential points of contention in each other, which are much more subtle.
They readily come up through our need to find an external culprit in our earthly experiences of failure, rejection or grief of any kind. In other words, we are highly susceptible to a persuasion that someone else generally and often someone who views the world differently, worships, loves or looks differently than us is to blame, fear and perhaps control. Most of us can identify these patterns and find examples in our own households, childhood memories in playgrounds or family gatherings.
In extreme and organized cases propagated by authority figures when politically convenient, different tends to become "the other”; the other perceived “separate” from us is often demonized and dehumanized so their removal or destruction becomes essential, acceptable and forgivable. Years, decades, even centuries of glorifying or casually tolerating this logic build mutual grievances at best and deep cleavages, even violent conflicts at worst. This pattern ensures continuation of conflict cycle perpetuated by the culture of blame and judgement. And yes, some in charge on each side regardless of the original sin in every situation, like it that way. Strife solidifies their positions of perceived defenders on the respective sides of the conflict and often this grows into the sole source of their legitimacy. One needs to go no further but glance at the current US political arena to find an example or any other country where extreme nationalists have seized power on the promise to weaken or eliminate “the others.”
In Bosnia and Herzegovina as in many such examples, documented historic evidence of actual intolerance is not as supportive as one would expect when looking at the level of aggression that erupted in the region almost thirty years ago. As we all watched Yugoslavia disintegrate and its individual republics brake into war however, it was politically inconvenient for many world powers to intervene and stop it. Therefore, an increasingly popular theory emerged to support this lack of action — the Balkans are drenched in the centuries old inter-ethnic hatred and it was of no use to get involved. Nothing could be done to protect the civilians directly and exclusively under fire. This theory was passionately built and propagated by the militarily stronger sides of the conflict as the world simply hoped that arms imbalance would take care of things quickly on its own.
Nevertheless, decades of peace, multitude of inter-ethnic relationships, mixed marriages, classrooms and neighborhoods in Yugoslavia directly and unequivocally dispute the theory. Moreover, centuries containing long periods of time in peaceful coexistence within the region would do the same. No, the level of tolerance and inter-ethnic love has not been perfect. But neither has it anywhere else. The imperfection essentially comes not from our intolerance of cultural and ethnic differences, but from our ego-led inner compass. Given favorable circumstances anywhere on this planet, in our private or collective lives, it leads us to chaos. As long as we blame the immediate symptoms as the culprits instead of checking in with this reality, catastrophic stories of larger and smaller proportions will repeat themselves.
I am not keen on digging up and attempting a lesson in history. I am not a historian and there is no room in one blog post to do that, even if I was. This is already pushing it, but please bare with me. History is but a symptom of human behavior which most consistent and persuasive catalyst is fear. One hardly needs to be an academic to notice clear patterns here at home or documented examples in other countries. As one of my grad school professors told me, “Maida, it’s between your ears, stop digging.” The most extreme examples that seem to repeat themselves such as slavery, concentration camps and all out aggression against civilians around the world, not to mention our willingness to turn the blind eye, show us how far or how low we are able to go in our fear of not enough. It is the prime fertilizer for our need to claim and reclaim the sense of superiority, specialness and entitlement. This furthermore justifies and grows our addiction to blame and judgement of another.
I remember sitting in my trigonometry class at Hersey High School here in Arlington Heights IL with a few of my other Bosnian refugee friends. A teenage commotion erupted in the back, nothing serious that I can recall. However, an American student turned back to us and righteously proclaimed – it is not my fault that you are all killing each other in your country! His statement was odd and out of context but I do remember feeling quite small, especially because my English was not good enough to allow me to defend myself. Plus, where I had recently come from, one doesn’t speak up in a classroom like that. I looked at the teacher for a reassuring and supportive comment but he said nothing.
This was by no means a traumatic moment of any sort for me nor was it for my friends. After all, we had recently escaped the country digging for fresh mass graves, blood still flowing and evaporating from its hills and valleys. However, I was an immigrant with broken English, fearful that I may be sent back. My point is, in breaking Yugoslavia as well as in my American classroom, I experienced people easily accepting and expressing narratives and stereotypes based on their fears of being outnumbered as well as their need to feel special, superior or both. Many of us do this seamlessly to varying degrees in our daily lives and will continue to do so if left unchecked.
Masses came out of the gates recently admitting their subconscious racism and prejudice. This was of course encouraging and commendable. However, it was also convenient, cool and rather easy to do. Yes, I am thrilled that we seem to have come to a place in time where owning our dark shadows is cool and convenient. The whole world stood on its feet together in support. However, our individual and collective histories are very long and provide examples of cruel repetition. We are moving in the right direction but often take steps back as innocence perishes. Our lands have not yet dried from blood streams still welling up from decades and centuries ago. We need to stand up persistently in our individual and collective lives and recognize our fears and habits they create when it is not cool, popular nor politically convenient. Such moments pass and our evolution demands consistency.
In 2009 I was diagnosed with brain cancer. It slightly affected my vision and gave me agonizing headaches. I tried everything from ibuprofen to morphine but to no avail until the doctor who would to become my surgeon gave me steroids to reduce the swelling. It was magic! They sent me home for the weekend after initial diagnoses and I felt like a new person. My headaches were gone and I wanted to believe that my problem was over. I was ready to go back to work on Monday, but my actual disease wouldn’t let me.
We seriously acknowledged the chronic symptom of persisting racism. We are determined to treat massive headaches of police brutality, inadequate education and legal systems among others to ensure that everyone is protected, educated and respected. But cancer remains and it is fear. No matter how much we dance around and dismiss it with cynicism, always, now and for as long as we are, the only true healing antidote to it will be love. Not until the fear of other is eradicated by love for and recognition of another as my tumor was eradicated by focused and precise surgical action, will we stop dragging our feet through history with brutal repetitions frequent enough to continue the blood streams of our ancestors. We are all one. We don’t have to accept or believe that for it to remain true. However, we will always feel it in our shared pain and suffering.
How do we just feel and speak of love in a fear driven world that seems to require so much more? There is a difference between an ego driven action and an inspired one. The former always has something to prove and someone to punish and overcome. The latter is the one aiming to help, include and improve as it is guided by love and compassion. For instance, Dr. Martin Luther King’s movement was not a political movement. It was a spiritual one based on love and a knowing that we are better when working together. Look at the legacy and lasting impact that such action has had! When our true intention is to better ourselves and the world we live in, it is an inspired one and it will surely lead to a more profound progress that stands the test of time.
We cannot ignore the real damage and practical, tangible work we need to do on all ends. But we must heal. In my blog post What Now? I observe that “this ship we have built and molded to life we knew is a heavy and powerful piece of machinery. Steering it will take an incredible load of collective will and more than one holy intervention.” We do not need to build a new ship but we need to move it in a new direction and fuel it with love. No matter how beneficial ambitious grabbing, controlling and competing appear to be, such tendencies do not come from self-love but chronic fear. Their most sincere reward is the long term self-destruction as they feed the perception that there is never enough. It is a race to death by those who have never truly lived be it an individual, a community or a country.
Only and when we grow aware of our self-sabotaging patterns and identify the wounds from which they stem, can we begin to form healthier intentions and steer our individual and collective ships. The answer has been the same for thousands of years - we must genuinely look within. What guides and drives us? Are we shrinking in fear or expanding in love? What tightens and constricts and what soothes and opens up our path to creative possibilities? Most of the power is in our own hands. When we tap into our inner source and allow healthy intentions to follow through in peace, all the external ornaments of life we seek and so much more, will come with ease.
I hope this personal reflection moves you an inch closer to embracing the age old wisdom on choosing love and the power of inner peace and knowing. Every single one of us possesses this treasure, too often locked by the earthly key of ego seduction. Fear has plagued most of my life because I was raised on it as much as I was raised on the morning toast covered with jelly, every day before school. Both were served by a loving parent desperate to protect me. Fear has a place and time, but too many of us give it prime time every day. There is more than enough in this world and we are all safe in our individual truths bound as one by the thread of love. But if one of us is robbed all of us will be. Let’s break the cycle and fear not.