See The Stars Before Night Falls

Photo by Casey B. Mitchell

I will always look at the world through the prism of war.  So much so that in my mind and memory, my life is sharply divided into all that occurred “before” and that which came “after.”   I have come to realize that I‘ve perceived every other life experience through either instinct to fear or instinct to hope I developed during those formative years surrounded by the frontlines.

Sometimes I can’t believe that I am reflecting on a personal experience as I occasionally recall seasons changing year after year wrapped in smoke and smell of explosion in the air... And so much more.  It is truly incredible how we get accustomed to any new normal and carry on, discovering and inventing new ways to have faith and live.  But all of us died to a different degree. Some left the face of the land in the most tragic of ways and the rest became what is commonly referred to as survivors.  Never the same again.

Yes.  The trauma was real.  For many it hardened into permanent anger, drowning any ability or will to heal… But it sobered us up just the same to not only that which was taken away but also so much that still remained…And a lot did.  In many ways we ended with more than what we started with.  We got to know life richer and more generous than we ever knew before.  I am sitting here trying to tell my story or at most the story of thousands of people who lived, perished or survived that senseless conflict… But in a sense, I am telling the story of every single one of us living a little, perishing a little and surviving every day in every corner of our planet, our one home.

The truth is, one doesn’t need to grow up in the midst of an ethnic conflict and dodge bullets to experience fear and loss. Every life becomes a war zone if we let it.  There are plenty of challenges and trials everyone goes through in a lifetime. I have long accepted and understood that climbing mountains and descending into valleys is the nature of life itself.  How else does it mold us into best versions of ourselves and bring us closer to our purpose?

See, it is the bondages we tend to wrap ourselves into that concern me, for they are the most paralyzing.   Within their familiar touch we become our own worst predators. We fight the enemy we cannot see or define so in turn we are conditioned to recognize it everywhere and in everyone. Yet, time slips away, unconcerned by our inability to see in plain sight, too preoccupied maintaining our cycles of blame and shame…  The key out of the cage is resting warm against our hearts, peacefully waiting to be sought.

“Life is a parenthesis in eternity!”  It is one of my favorite quotes often used by the late Dr. Wayne Dyer.  Some people believe that souls are eternal and every now and then they settle in a physical realm, within the boundaries of life that rise at birth and close with death.  Look at it as you wish but none of us knows just how long our journeys really are within the walls of this earthly experience.  But we do act and often as if we have forever.   

I read something today… A woman received a beautiful lesson in grief, while watching her mother fade away and cross over into the light… The wisdom that emerged posed a question - “what if we actually lived like we were dying?”

What if?  As we finally get to stand at the edge of seeing, and witness the very last, fading evidence that once a sunset illuminated the sky, the vastness of universe grows nearer and ever so real.  This must be that bliss of pure, undeniable knowing, which only births light. Light within, light without and the ultimate oneness with all.   Every fear, every “what if” evaporates as we finally give ourselves a complete permission to be.  Never do we glow brighter, freer and are clearer. But why?  Why do we need to see the carriage of death waiting outside of our window before we truly love the life as is, and see all the blessings it was giving all along?

Some say that I am so strong, exceptionally even.  But I am no exception.  Our strength comes from exceptional trials which bring danger so close every moment that we breathe, we can smell it, taste it and feel it… It becomes a faithful companion we embrace.  It is during such times that our focus is keener than ever.  Our understanding of what is important and what we can and cannot control is undeniable as we simply and fully let go.  Nothing matters but the present moment.  Nothing but a breath of fresh air and a glimmer of light in a new day. And that becomes our refuge.  We get acquainted with “now” because within such trials we can see - it is all we have. 

Surviving and coming to the other side of the mountain introduces a whole another range of colors in the rainbow.  The taller the mountain the more precious the survival is.  Each new climb we encounter as they unexpectedly appear when we need them the most, further strengthens our survival muscles and shows us where to look, when to act and when to close our eyes in a prayer.  There is nothing more useful than to finally understand the important distinction between a true danger as a reminder of all we have and whispers of the ego, which does nothing but paralyze our spirit and our senses in perpetual fear.

I don’t know about you, but frustration arises within me when I catch myself hiding, refusing or running away from life for no other reason but for fear of being seen, for shame or judgement I may invite by simply and fully showing up. I have stood at the edge of a cliff by no choice of my own and felt the rocks begin to roll from under me and so have you, expecting a sure descend.  How many times do we need to experience that “final” flash of our lives before our eyes in regret?  When is it finally okay to fill our minutes, hours and days with meaning and purpose of our choosing, no matter how it looks like, sounds or dances like? It seems like we are more effective fighting monsters such as drunk sitting at the tank on the hill above our town or a tumor growing wildly within our heads than that everyday voice, which commands in sinister whispers that we laugh less loudly, stay behind in a dance class, love less openly and believe that somehow, we serve and are more valuable to the world if we are smaller and less daring.

 When a monstrous headache of a lifetime took me to the emergency room in October of 2009 and earned me my initially devastating diagnosis, I was terrified to tell my mother.  Like most mothers of her generation, raised and conditioned in the most traditional of ways, my dear mom has been a victim of chronically fearful interpretation of the world and life around us.  She went out of her way to ensure I am afraid of it as much as she has been in order to protect me from a boogieman lurking on every corner.  I’ve gone from a period of blaming her for my timid nature and lack of courage in my formative years to truly understanding that she absolutely did her best to love and protect me.  When she finally heard the news about my diagnosis, she rushed to my side as I expected she would.  What I did not expect was the strength, courage and faith she displayed from that moment on.  She was my rock and never let me doubt that all will be well.  She was a woman, a mother presented with a true boogieman endangering her child, but her focus, courage and resolve to do what she can was impressive.  I had never seen her in such light before.  She had panicked more seeing me cross the street when I was 11 or getting a C in my math class! There was no one to blame now, no shame and no time to waste.  Her specific role and purpose were clear.  The rest was left to faith and profound daily prayer.

I read somewhere that a true miracle is not walking on water but walking on this earth in peace.  This truly resonated with me having had to intentionally work to find peace, truth and balance in my life.  The world around us is not designed to give it to us and there is nothing on the outside of our physical experience here that can provide it. At least not for a consistent period of time.  We’ve heard it countless of times.  The only thing we can control in life is what goes on within and if we manage to do it at least some of the time till it can happen most of the time, we win.  Too often however, as soon as we gain some strength, recover from a disease, fill up our bellies, get out of a war zone or over a breakup we get a bit arrogant; we try to maneuver and choreograph our lives or those of others just to once more find ourselves face to face with disappointment and shame.  It takes a harsh reminder to bring us back to release and presence.  This is when an uphill battle appears and forces us to reevaluate and reflect, if wise enough to do so.

 Voluntarily and intentionally letting go beyond the clarity and focus of a present moment in our downhills as we are often forced to do on our lives’ climbs is how we find liberation.  Allowing and releasing with our eyes open to all the riches of the present moment is where we find peace.  Repetition is where strength will find us.  It matters to know that most of us cannot achieve this consistently and we will go back and often to answer the call of fear.  As Gabby Bernstein noted once, it matters not that we are perfect spiritual beings as we cannot be in our earthly, human experience.  The question is, how quickly do we return?  “I am interested in your comeback rate.”  We find pride in being incredibly difficult on ourselves, seeking flawless results, terrified we’ll be left behind that we take that to our spiritual practice.  It has to be perfect at once!  It is no surprise that our world is filled with conflict, anger and disappointment.  The very tools at our disposal which have shown effectiveness and benefits for thousands of years such as yoga and meditation end up on the dreaded list of things we are “not good at,” reasons to further blame and shame ourselves.  Hear me out, I am not saying that seeking to be larger than life in itself is wrong.  The truth of the matter is that you already are, just where you are.

Wars we wage within ourselves must end before we can ever do anything to stop or prevent wars, we wage against each other.  Such battles devastate the very core of who we are and who we came here to be.  The ripples of their explosions spillover farther than we can imagine.  There are times like these we reside in today when the ripples become tools to fear keepers.  They fertilize lands with its seeds so quickly we must run for cover, but we don’t.  Too many of us fall pray conditioned to join the battles and there is no mask or vaccine that stops them.  When we let it get too far, it takes a generation to eradicate it or at least slow it down enough so we can remember that we are love.  Wars within birth wars without and they always grow out of fear that we are not enough, that there is not enough in the world and Universe rich enough to provide for us all, indefinitely.

Every experience and encounter we face present themselves for a reason whether we can understand it or not.  There comes a time when it becomes undeniable that there are no accidents or coincidences.  All of us are survivors on a journey always meant to challenge, mold and grow us.  Never the same again.  The sooner we recognize and accept that the more we can stop fighting this life purposeful and giving by design.  May we all die while still alive.  May we all see the stars in daylight, close enough to reach for.

I like to say this mantra as a reminder and a healing affirmation when I fall to my knees in sadness or my meditation pillow in hope and faith: I find my peace in love, forgiveness and compassion for myself so I can give it to the world.