What Now?
I am home. Not working and I am unsure when will I work again. Of course I am scared. Any help that may or may not show up can’t comfort or soothe the fears rising within me. But there is more. I am realizing that as much as I am afraid that I won’t go back to work, I am as afraid that I actually will.
This break, this life-as-we-knew-it shut down, feels more like a reset than a pause. The opportunity we are given to deeply reflect and adjust is a big chance for us to shift everything to a brand new direction. But this ship we have built and molded to life we knew is a heavy and powerful piece of machinery. Steering it will take an incredible load of collective will and more than one holy intervention.
Woke up today with weight of the world on my shoulders. Well, not quite I guess, but the immense pressure to come up with a smart plan and a clear step by step process that will help me build a new life, has just about crippled my spirit and creativity. Yesterday “the new” was a generous source of inspiration. Today, it feels like grief. Am I ready to throw in the towel ? Paralyzed by fear, I sobbed for two hours. I think I am beginning to realize that not taking this opportunity to build a life that follows my heart is more devastating and scary than not being able to pay my mortgage. The prospect of both is suffocating.
Out of the cloud of tears and convincing despair a message - honor your feelings. Give them time. A miraculous reminder! All of us need to truly honor our fears here and recognize how monumental a shift this really is. It is a thorough process.
My initial plan to soar into a new life of my dreams seemed to have entirely been built on fear; guilt and judgement that I may spend any of my furlough time idle and not producing; guilt and judgement for sleeping in while my coworkers are carrying more work load than ever before; fear that i will somehow, somewhere be punished for not feeling busy every single moment of this down time. Busy equals productivity and success, no? So I must hustle.
Perhaps, habits and beliefs of our life before may not be most conducive to growing a more authentic and compassionate life of tomorrow? After all they have brought us here.
As I am writing this, it becomes as clear as day that I can’t possibly squeeze and neutralize my emotions through an old fashion to do list...Not now. Not ever. If it is to be different and more profound, the building blocks of this new life must be generated from within, the only place where truth and authenticity can be found. Life of ego built through force, soul sacrifice and imposed expectations, life that has been killing us all inch by inch does not offer a prescription for an authentic one. That was my approach yesterday. Yes, I fully planed to employ meditation, reading, writing and reflecting, but my perspective and intention had very little to do with spirit and truth of the occasion.
Busy, productive and efficient is antonymous to peaceful, inspired and creative. Although I strongly believe that the latter inevitably produces more value, my habits have undeniably been shaped by the former. All of us have a lot of unlearning to do and we known that. We have for a while now. But this time was presented to us as an epic message of encouragement and a wide open new horizon to finally do so.
